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Post by nightnurse on Jul 11, 2006 19:15:31 GMT
Agh , I swear I just posted this and it got ate !
Regionalist but very funny PK ;D
A friend asked me to pass this on ...
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just >packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,."Mummy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.
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Post by Pluto7077 on Jul 12, 2006 17:32:58 GMT
;D ;D ;D to Essex and sparklies ;D
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Post by PokerKitten on Jul 12, 2006 22:55:42 GMT
I've heard a few variations of the sparklies one so I think it's apochryphal.
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Post by nightnurse on Jul 12, 2006 23:16:02 GMT
I dunno if the sparklies one is true , my mate in Florida and several other friends with nowt to do at work all day spam me with a bamillion of these things every week !
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Post by PokerKitten on Aug 10, 2006 15:24:57 GMT
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like ........ evil yellow fruit ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ............. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ........ Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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Post by nightnurse on Nov 8, 2006 20:08:26 GMT
George Bush and Don Rumsfeld are having a breakfast meeting to catch up on news from Iraq Don says to Bush ' Bad news sir, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday' Bush almost chokes on his grits and says ' 3 Brazilian...and just how many millions is that ?' ;D
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Post by PokerKitten on Nov 8, 2006 20:16:14 GMT
*covers Cy's eyes*
Priceless ;D
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Post by Teebee on Nov 8, 2006 22:06:01 GMT
Lmao.........now that's bloody funny NN ;D ;D
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Post by DeeDee on Nov 9, 2006 10:29:10 GMT
lol ;D ;D
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Post by Ditto on Feb 13, 2007 17:27:46 GMT
Can't imagine why this (sent by Rune) immediately made me think of NN... Delia's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. -v- The Real Woman's Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. -v- The Real Woman's Way Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. -v- The Real Woman's Way Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in potato slice. -v- The Real Woman's Way If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. -v- The Real Woman's Way It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish. -v- The Real Woman's Way Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust.
Delia's Way Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. -v- The Real Woman's Way Cure f or headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh*t?
Delia's Way If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. -v- The Real Woman's Way Why do I have a man?
And finally the most important tip ....
Delia's Way Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. -v- The Real Woman's Way Leftover wine? HELLO!!!!!
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Post by nightnurse on Feb 13, 2007 19:39:45 GMT
LMFAO ;D
All absolutely true !
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Post by Teebee on Mar 27, 2007 19:34:35 GMT
The Blonde ~VS~ The Alligator
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, But was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the 'gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "SHIT ......... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
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Post by Teebee on Jul 29, 2007 19:32:39 GMT
An 85 year old man was asked by his doctor to provide a sperm count as part of his routine physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring it back with a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the old man returned to the doctor's surgery and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened.
The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but no good. Then I tried with my left hand, but still no good. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still no success. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing doing. We even called on Betty, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing happened"
The doctor was shocked "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
"Yep," The old man replied, "None of us could get the bloody jar open"
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Post by Teebee on Sept 10, 2007 21:25:49 GMT
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Post by nightnurse on Sept 10, 2007 23:16:05 GMT
*snorfles * Good one's Teebs ;D
I know, I know ...this one's a bit hmm, but I expect there are loads more doing the rounds ...
Pavarotti arrives at the Pearly Gates and St Peter shouts to God ' Here's that tenor I owe you '
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Post by Teebee on Sept 11, 2007 12:04:58 GMT
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Post by wrigglerosie on Dec 21, 2007 15:18:22 GMT
Just for Xmas
Q. What do you get if you cross a Snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite!
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Post by wrigglerosie on Dec 21, 2007 15:29:16 GMT
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa...
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Post by Spikefan on Feb 10, 2008 19:43:58 GMT
LOL!! Those where hysterical!
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Post by wrigglerosie on Nov 11, 2008 17:05:29 GMT
Hmm - nothing much in here for a bit - so - My brother sent me this - actual answers given on the Show "Family Fortunes" - some of these are just glorious!! Something you lose when you get older: "Your purse.." A sport which involves throwing something: "Tennis.." A type of bean: "Lesbian.." Something you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.." Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: "Yourself.." Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: "Hitler.." A number you might have to memorise: "Seven.." Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.." Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.." A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.." A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.." An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.." A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.." A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.." A slang word for a girl: "Slag.." An animal with horns: "A bee..." A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.." Something made of wool: "A sheep.." Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.." Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.." An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.." Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.." Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.." A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.." A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.." A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.." (Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..") Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.." Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.." A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.." A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.." A measurement of liquid: "Paint.." Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.." A famous Dick: "Carrot.." A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.." Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.." Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.." A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.." A yellow fruit: "Orange.." Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.." A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.." Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.." Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.." A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.." Something you beat: "An apple.." Something associated with rain: "Water.." An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.." Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.." A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.." A popular soap: "Dove.." Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.." Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.." Something a Frenchman would say: "On Garde.." A fast animal: "A hippo.." Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.." A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.." Something that has a shell: "Batman.." Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.." Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.." A non-living object with legs: "A plant.." A sign of the Zodiac: "April.." An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.." A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.." An animal with big ears: "A bear.." Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.." A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.." Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.." A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.." Something you pull: "A potato.." An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.." A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.." A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.." A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.." Another gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.." A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.." Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.." Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.." Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.." A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.." A type of record: "A floppy disk.." A type of large cat: "Persian.." A job that a working dog does: "A slave.." Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.." An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.." A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.." Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.." A dangerous race: "The Arabs.." A game played in the dark: "Charades.." Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.." A jacket potato topping: "Jam.." A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.." Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.." A famous royal: "Mail.." Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.." An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.." Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.." A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.." One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.." A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.." The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.." Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.." A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.." A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.." Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.." A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.." An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.." Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.." A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.." A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.." An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.." Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.." Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.." A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.." A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.." A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.." Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.." Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.." Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.." A method of cooking fish: "Cod.." Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.." A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.." A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.." A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.." Something red: "My cardigan.." A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.." Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.." Something with a hole in it: "A window.." Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.." Something you put on walls: "Roofs.." Something that floats in the bath: "Water.." Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.." Something a blind man might use: "A sword.." The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.." Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."
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