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Post by Ditto on Feb 24, 2005 10:30:53 GMT
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Post by DeeDee on Feb 24, 2005 10:36:19 GMT
Lmao you cheared me up again Ditto thanks
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Post by Pixie on Feb 24, 2005 11:01:27 GMT
LMAO!!
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Post by PokerKitten on Feb 25, 2005 23:40:02 GMT
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Post by djf617 on Feb 26, 2005 8:09:24 GMT
Goddamnit!! I laughed so hard I cried!!!! ;D
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Post by PokerKitten on Feb 26, 2005 14:27:59 GMT
My most successful culling so far is 42 sheep in 69 seconds. I get a little trigger happy sometimes and don't aim properly! ;D
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Post by Cyrus on Feb 27, 2005 22:32:42 GMT
In line with shooting the sheep, here's redneck video game, as sent by my grandpa in Tennessee... I got about 250 before I got bored and stopped. And I discovered that if you don't kill them, they get bigger!
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Post by Ditto on Mar 1, 2005 8:25:20 GMT
Here's one that just came through from my friend Marie.....then I must check out those links!
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Post by Pixie on Mar 1, 2005 8:58:56 GMT
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Post by Ditto on Mar 21, 2005 9:33:29 GMT
My friend Lesley ::snerk:: sent this...
The Wine Bottle
A man entered his favourite restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
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Post by Cyrus on Mar 21, 2005 9:47:08 GMT
Oooh NaughtyDitto is at it again! ;D I liked that one.
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Post by Cyrus on Mar 30, 2005 22:10:30 GMT
I love this! ;D The pic was on the "customer action shots" for that license plate frame, but the plate is funny... ;D
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Post by Cyrus on Apr 12, 2005 0:51:01 GMT
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Post by nightnurse on Apr 14, 2005 22:58:32 GMT
Four devout Catholic women are having tea...the first woman says proudly ' My son is a priest , everyone he meets calls him Father' The second woman says even more proudly, ' Thats grand, but my son is a Bishop, everyone he meets calls him 'My Lord' . The third woman says 'thats nothing , my son is a Cardinal, everyone he meets calls him Eminence' The fourth woman is sitting there quietly, so the others ask her if she has a son, and what does he do. She says ' My son is a stripper, everyone he meets says 'My God !'
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Post by Cyrus on Apr 14, 2005 23:02:19 GMT
James' mum could say the same thing as the 4th.
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Post by Cyrus on May 6, 2005 3:26:34 GMT
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
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Post by Ditto on May 6, 2005 18:09:39 GMT
a smile for today
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the Appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P...E...N...I...S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH"
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Post by Cyrus on May 6, 2005 21:45:25 GMT
ooh Ditto so funny ;D I've put it in my LJ ;D
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."
The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
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Post by nightnurse on May 14, 2005 13:20:19 GMT
This is from my friend Shaz
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." ;D
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Post by Cyrus on May 15, 2005 1:22:29 GMT
ooh funny NN! ;D
My mom emailed me this today:
Roses & Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
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