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Post by Pixie on May 16, 2005 20:35:31 GMT
LMFAO!! ;D
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Post by Cyrus on May 31, 2005 3:16:42 GMT
BBQ
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman buys the food. 2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
Here comes the important part .....
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine.... 5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again ....
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine..... 8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most of all .... 10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 3, 2005 4:23:42 GMT
sent to me by my sister, who got it from her 23 year old ex boyfriend, who got it who knows where... optical illusion
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Post by nightnurse on Jun 12, 2005 22:54:30 GMT
LOL at the barbecue Cy....thats exactly what happens to a mate of mine when she does an annual barbie for us all ;D I'm bringing this in from my LJ...pinched it from rogue slayer ;D Dear Beloved Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!
and in my mail box today...
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10%was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch. ;D
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 12, 2005 23:12:22 GMT
LMAO! OMG! Well aside from the "mysterious death" of the postie on the porch, I suppose that worked out great for the husband... no one will come looking trying to claim his kid...
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Post by Spikefan on Jun 13, 2005 1:51:36 GMT
LMAO!!!
Those were hysterical!
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 18, 2005 4:42:40 GMT
Spanish lesson...
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 25, 2005 21:58:33 GMT
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to become fronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high- powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a very, good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!"
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 25, 2005 22:01:15 GMT
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" she said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I Asked her how she knew. She said....
(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Post by nightnurse on Jan 13, 2006 23:58:47 GMT
My mate Maria in Florida continues to spam me with jokes daily , most of which you've heard before , but y'all know how much I like Peter Kay , so howhappy was I when this came ;D
BEST PETER KAY ONE LINERS.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said," Thyroid problem?"
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Spaghetti?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned the figures upside down
Reading when you're drunk is horrible
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a evil yellow fruit
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity
Some days you see lots of people on crutches
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush
Old women with mobile phones look wrong
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
You never ever run out of salt
Old ladies can eat more than you think
You can't respect a man who carries a dog
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
Bricks are horrible to carry
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad .
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Post by Teebee on Jan 28, 2006 22:21:27 GMT
A very, very old joke Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: It got pissed off..........
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Post by Spikefan on Feb 5, 2006 1:43:38 GMT
LMAO!!
Thanks for posting those!
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Post by nightnurse on Feb 10, 2006 22:27:51 GMT
A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure from worry about his Testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back The covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely..
... Are - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
........................................................................................
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband’s is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Post by PokerKitten on Feb 20, 2006 13:24:48 GMT
Have we had this one yet? From Molli/Orchid_Slayer.
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "! I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Post by nightnurse on Mar 5, 2006 0:35:17 GMT
HORMONE WARNING: The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every man....just in case!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheque. ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff
And my favourite one... 13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good Laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember:
Money talks....But Chocolate sings
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Post by Teebee on Mar 29, 2006 22:14:21 GMT
A few short one's under the title; Revenge For Women
Q; What is the difference between men and government bonds? A; The bonds mature.
Q; Why are married women heavier than single women? A; Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
Q; What did God say after creating Adam? A; I must be able to do better than that.
Q; What did God say after creating Eve? A; Practice makes perfect.
Q; What do you call a woman who know's where her husband is every night? A; A widow.
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Post by PokerKitten on Apr 11, 2006 21:56:19 GMT
From my LJ flist: "A group of tourists are in Egypt looking through ancient temples. One tourist turns to another and asks, while pointing at a statue, 'Do you know the name of that god? There are so many in here I can't keep them straight.' The other tourist asks, 'Why do you want to know?" 'Idol Curiosity.'" ;D ;D
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Post by Cyrus on Apr 13, 2006 2:30:01 GMT
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
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Post by Teebee on May 7, 2006 18:57:37 GMT
From my sis.... , actually I thought it was quite good ;D Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! ;D ;D
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Post by PokerKitten on Jul 11, 2006 12:44:35 GMT
Hee!
This one is very regionalist, but very funny ;D
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?
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