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Post by azazel on Dec 8, 2003 8:52:58 GMT
Sensible George George W Bush is hanging out with the queen of England. He asks her "Your majesty. How do you run such an efficient goverment? are there any tips you could give me?" The queen says "Well the most important thing is o surround yourself with intelliegnt people" Bush fowns and replies " Well how do I really know the people around me are really intelligent?" The queen takes a little sip of tea and says "Oh thats easy, You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle" The queen pushes the button on her intercom and says "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you" Tony Blair walks into the room and says "Yes my queen?" The queen smiles at Tony and says "Tony answer me this please. Your mother and father have a child. Its not your brother and its not yor sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair says "Well that would be me". The queen smiles and says "Yes! very good, thankyou" Back at the Whitehouse, Bush is a bit puzzled. He asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Hey Dick answer this for me, would you? your mother and your father have a child. Its not your brother and its not your sister, who is it?" Dick Cheney frowns and says: "geez im not sure.Lemme get back to you on that one" Dick Cheney goes to all his advisors and asks everyone he can but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the mens room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts over to him: "Hey Colin! can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and its not your brother or your sister, who is it?" Colin Powell flushes and yells back: "Hey, thats easy. Its me!" Dick Cheney smiles and yells "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the oval office and tells Bush: "Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle! Its Colin Powell!" Bush gets up and angrily stomps over to Dick Cheneya nd yells right into Dicks face: "No you idiot! Its Tony Blair!"
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Post by azazel on Dec 8, 2003 8:54:00 GMT
The talents of the UK govermentDavid Blunket is known for his keen wit, and is in high demand as an after dinner speaker with his unique and cutting humour. It is a little known fact that Cherie Blair, gash-mouthed wife to Tony, holds the world record for putting the most pickled eggs in one's mouth, and not gagging, for 30 seconds. She set the record with an amazing 85 eggs, way back in 1976. Harold Wilson was the first British Prime Minister to wear a string vest. Tony Blair has 87 teeth in his head. This has resulted in the widest smile in the UK. Wendy Alexander MSP and Minister for Trivial Things is the Scottish Mud Wrestling Champion. The size of Labour's 1997 majority was so unprecentedly large that seating arrangements for PMQs proved difficult. For a time, Clare Short had to sit on Peter Mandelson's lap. Jack Straw once auditioned for the role of a presenter on 'Blue Peter' David Blunkett had to try seven different guide dogs before he found one that would sit near Margaret Beckett without growling. Cherie Blair's naivety extends beyond employing a convicted fraudster as a financial adviser and a penchant for new age beliefs. She is also the only person currently using the internet who actually believes that forwarding email chain letters will actually bring her good luck or magically cause $1 to be donated to the home for limbless, headless boys with no goats in Afghanistan. David Blunket and Michael Howard were once Siamese twins joined at the arse. Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams won a Nana Mouskouri look-a-like competion in 1976, on a Butlins holiday organized as 'hands across the water' iniative by comic Dick Emery. Rev Ian Paisley also won plaudits for his banjo-accompanied rendition of The Rolling Stone's 'Satisfaction'. Hopes that this would lead to a long lasting peace were shattered after Martin McGuinness called David Trimble's 'Hound Dog' 'a bag of proddy ****e'. Margaret Thatcher had a fearsome reputation for breaking wind during cabinet meetings. She would convince "newbie" ministers that it was traditional to present her with a catering-sized jar of Fortnum & Mason pickled eggs at their first meeting, a trick which her colleagues detested but could never prevent. Cecil Parkinson was reputed to be able to hold his breath for almost five minutes.
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Post by PokerKitten on Dec 8, 2003 12:57:51 GMT
Now that really DID make me laugh!! I know this is a jokes thread not a politics one, but I have to say, he is morphing into a fascist before our very eyes Er, oops! But, yeah!
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Post by azazel on Dec 8, 2003 14:37:09 GMT
He's not a facist PK he's just another muppet ;D _______________________________________ 20 ways to confuse santa 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
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Post by azazel on Dec 8, 2003 14:38:51 GMT
a bike for christmas On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The Kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top of it."
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Post by nightnurse on Dec 9, 2003 20:19:38 GMT
A man finds a genie in a bottle, and is offered 3 wishes. First he asks for a sports car and woosh! there's a shiny red Porsche. Then he asks for a big luxurious house, and woosh!There's a huge mansion. Finally he asks to be made irresistable to women. Woosh!...He turns into a box of chocolates
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Post by azazel on Dec 10, 2003 9:43:36 GMT
Real friendship1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, ;D ...I'll know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. ;D
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Post by azazel on Dec 10, 2003 9:51:07 GMT
All I want for christmas
Dear santa,
I want a new bike, Playstation, a
train, some G.I.Jones, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip
ticket to the North Pole so when you get here
I can kick some sense into your f*cking head.
Who names their kid "Francis" anyway?
I'll bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village
People album instead.
Santa
**************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for
everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa
**************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for your under
the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love from your friend,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the
deer fart in my face.
You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a
bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone
and tell your mum to wait up.
Santa
**************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this
year.Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Your best friend,
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney, begging sh*t may work
with your folks, but that cr*p don't fly up
here.
You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes
it when you pat his head.
Santa
**************************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space
ranjur fer xmas.I'v ben a good
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in trash disposal. How about I
send you a f*cking dictionary so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger, at least he can spell!
Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain
Man!
**************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Your friend,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid?
I hope my reindeer crash into your window
and trample your family in their sleep for
having such a stupid child!
I'm skipping your house
Santa
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Post by nightnurse on Dec 11, 2003 0:51:23 GMT
;D ROTFLMAO Az
Why is a man like a Swiss Army knife? Cos he's meant to have a useful and versatile tool, but he spends most of his time just opening beer!
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Post by azazel on Dec 13, 2003 12:05:13 GMT
TOP TEN COMEBACKS TO PEOPLE WHO TELL YOU YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH THIS CHRISTMAS
"He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato
" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it." - actor Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop." - Noel Coward
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th." - George Burns
"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do." - Dylan Thomas
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Dean Martin
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway
"I saw a notice that said 'Drink Canada Dry' and I've just started." - Brendan Behan (only to be used while in Canada, really)
"I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs." - Robert Downey Jnr
"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." - W C Fields
"And you, madam, are ugly. But I will be sober in the morning." - Sir Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock, MP, who said he was drunk
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Post by azazel on Dec 13, 2003 12:13:29 GMT
Barbie's letter to santa Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite).
3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him and me anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account executive.
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years, I think I deserve it.
OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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Post by azazel on Dec 14, 2003 13:07:36 GMT
Caught A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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Post by azazel on Dec 14, 2003 14:48:00 GMT
Where's nemo?
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Post by azazel on Dec 14, 2003 14:48:57 GMT
Cyrus has been baking gingerbreads again
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Post by Cyrus on Dec 14, 2003 22:55:34 GMT
ROTFLMFAO! Mine weren't that naughty! I was baking them with my little sister afterall... Here's some xmas funny pics my grandpa sent... There's 14 of them, so instead of single, I just put them all in an html document... oh shut up self... just post the link... Xmas cartoons
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Post by nightnurse on Dec 14, 2003 23:48:09 GMT
;D LMAO.....
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Post by azazel on Dec 15, 2003 12:27:33 GMT
Cyrus that can be a template for your next ones. Just looked at yours and been LMFAO
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Post by azazel on Dec 15, 2003 13:31:40 GMT
[glow=red,2,300][/glow]The captured Sadam was a fake Bush just thinks he is sooo funny
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Post by azazel on Dec 15, 2003 13:33:22 GMT
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Post by Incogni2 on Dec 16, 2003 2:52:28 GMT
Hey Cy...your grandfather has a great sense of humor... I think I'm in love...is he available?
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