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Post by Cyrus on Jan 20, 2004 6:32:55 GMT
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do! You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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Post by marilyn on Jan 24, 2004 21:14:55 GMT
Cy, those were good for a chuckle.... ;D
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Post by azazel on Jan 26, 2004 2:10:04 GMT
Pumpkin A 27-year-old white male resident of Wimbledon was arrested in a pumpkin patch on Friday, and charged with lewd behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.
He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.
The man failed to notice the approach of a Wimbledon Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"
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Post by Incogni2 on Jan 27, 2004 2:00:16 GMT
LMFAO AZ! You do come up with some good ones! Here's a short one I got from a friend today and thought it rather apropos to this board...
A WOMAN'S PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
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Post by nightnurse on Jan 27, 2004 2:11:11 GMT
;D Lmao you's lot!
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Post by PokerKitten on Jan 28, 2004 20:12:01 GMT
I got this from Ditto:
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! 6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 9 :30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time
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Post by azazel on Jan 29, 2004 4:35:30 GMT
LMAO looks like someone read my former cats diary ;D
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Post by NLSpikette on Jan 29, 2004 8:12:12 GMT
;D
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Post by nightnurse on Jan 29, 2004 8:16:41 GMT
My cats are reading over my shoulder and are nodding sagely ;D LMAO !
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Post by marilyn on Jan 30, 2004 1:14:16 GMT
I will certainly keep that joke in mind when I next have pumpkin pie.... The dog and cat one is hilarious, too....so true...my dog greets me all over again when I return from getting the mail, or picking up the newspaper...lol! And the cat next door stays under their car and naps while Cassie is going berserk on the other side of the fence..... ;D
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Post by Incogni2 on Jan 30, 2004 2:20:29 GMT
These are some very interesting headlines written by some anonymous members of that very noble profession...journalism. THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And this one has to be my favourite....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Now how could we possibly ridicule the media?
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Post by azazel on Jan 30, 2004 5:20:57 GMT
YUM YUM they sure do. Love them I2 thanks ;D
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Post by Incogni2 on Jan 30, 2004 13:17:33 GMT
Aha! The mystery of Az's DG tour diet settled!
**I2 makes note to grab a couple 'kiddies' for Az to munch on**
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Post by nightnurse on Jan 31, 2004 0:04:37 GMT
;D LMFAO.....those headlines are too funny....!
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Post by Cyrus on Feb 1, 2004 23:49:44 GMT
Subject: Reading Skill
> Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. > The average person can't. > > This is this cat > This is is cat > This is how cat > This is to cat > This is keep cat > This is a cat > This is dumbass cat > This is busy cat > This is for cat > This is forty cat > This is seconds cat > > Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I > betcha you can't resist passing it on. > > Hey, don't get mad at me, I fell for it too. >
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Post by azazel on Feb 2, 2004 11:57:59 GMT
LMAO Cy well amused ;D cool stuff, make them chubby
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Post by azazel on Feb 3, 2004 14:01:36 GMT
Mr Blobby and Mrs Blobby are in bed and Mrs Blobby says
"Blib blurb blob bibble blob blibbibblob blurb blobblib."
Mr Blobby says "Just fekkin swallow it!"
;D
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Post by azazel on Feb 3, 2004 14:03:35 GMT
Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse bastard kills family pet" ;D
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Post by azazel on Feb 3, 2004 14:04:36 GMT
A young teacher, fresh out of teacher training college, gets sent to a school in Liverpool. She introduces herself to the class and lets them ask questions, and one of the questions is, "What football team do you support, Miss?"
Thinking she'll get on their good side, she says, "Well, since I'll be living in Liverpool, I suppose I'd better support Liverpool. Who here supports Liverpool?"
Most of the hands in the class go up, but one little girl at the back keeps her hand down. The teacher notices this and asks her who she supports.
"Manchester United, Miss" replies the girl.
"Why's that then, when you live in Liverpool?" asks the teacher.
"Well Miss", replies the girl, "my father's from Manchester and he's always supported Man. United, and my mother's from Manchester ans she's always supported Man.United, so I have to as well."
Thinking she can make a point here, the teacher says, "Well, you don't have to do something just because your parents do, you know. I mean, what wo7uld you do if your father was a drug addict, your mother was a prostitute and your brother stole cars?"
The little girl thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Well, in that case, Miss, I'd be a Liverpool supporter."
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Post by Cyrus on Feb 4, 2004 20:13:54 GMT
The Gender of Computers
Why computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
Why computers should be feminine: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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