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Post by azazel on Jan 8, 2004 5:38:26 GMT
Oh look Mad cows
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 9:31:52 GMT
Old but a good un ;D American Military Intelligence? This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call   |
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 9:37:11 GMT
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
;D
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 9:50:55 GMT
Someone apparently went through the trouble of taping all the Simpsons,
watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board.
These are the collective writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises
that Bart writes:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head."
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fat fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitue teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan!"
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
In will not instigate a revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher, "Hot Cakes."
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell, "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I started
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
LMFAO
LOL
Finally I get to see what they say as I usually struggle to read them
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Post by Cyrus on Jan 10, 2004 9:53:03 GMT
LMAO that's my theory about watching COPS... I tell my dad watch that, and it kinda makes you feel a bit better about our customers... Ah yes soooo true... ;D OMG! I am  at the Simpsons things! I knew they had him write some weird things, but...  ;D |
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 10:05:07 GMT
All my d's have turned into ;D anyway this made me LMAO wonder if PK will take note ;D Grocery Shopping Online
The advent of online shopping sites, such as Tesco.com has no doubt changed the way we shop. For example, the internet now means that we can do the weekly supermarket shopping in our underwear. In fact, I used to do that anyway, before the internet. Eventually I got banned from Tescos for shopping in my underwear, well that and licking the conveyor-belt while masturbating, but I'm sure they just had something against me.
However, none of that matters now, as I can shop online. And it can be fun too! Don't believe us? We'll show you how to make Tescos.com your primary source of entertainment. Just chose one or more of the following methods:
Odd Product Combinations:
Tescos orders are picked and delivered by real people, who get to see the sorts of products you are buying. This means that the products you buy give people an image of what you are like, and what your hobbies are. Use this to your advantage.
Products to buy in combination:
Shopping List 1:
1 x Large Marrow
1 x 25ml Tub of Vasceline
4 x Romantic Candles
1 x Findus Microwave Lasagne for One
Shopping List 2:
30 x Bottles of Meths
15 x Bottles of Bleach
25 x Bottles of Paint Stripper
1 x Bag of Ice Cubes
1 x 1pint Glass Tumbler
Shopping List 3:
50 Bottles of Parafin
1 x Box of Matches
1 x "Map & Guidebook to Historic Buildings in Sussex"
1 x Kodak Single Use Camera
Special Requirements & Substitutions:
Tescos.com has a field next to all product you order to allow you to specify special requirements for the product. The intended use if, for example with evil yellow fruit you mights write "Only small and slightly under-ripe evil yellow fruit please". You may also specify one or more substitutions for products that are out of stock. So for example when buying Jams Donuts you can specify Toffee Donuts as an acceptable substitution. At least, this is how Tescos think you will use this facility (they are so nieve.... )
Suggested Special Requirement Descriptions to try:
Product: evil yellow fruit
Description: "A evil yellow fruit, golden like the early morning rays of sunlight over the ancient Tibetan mountains of Shangrala, glistening in it's own evil yellow fruit-ness, with a curve that subtly suggests the gentle poetic movement of the green space station from Babylon 5"
Product: Large Pumpkin
Description: "Suitable for fettish-based bodily insertions. No larger than average or slightly-above-average diameter rectum please.
Acceptable Substitutions: Spring Onion.
Special Delivery Instructions:
Tescos.com allow you, the nice customer, to attach special delivery to your order. The intention is for you to say things like "Please ring the doorbell on the side-door" or "Ring buzzer for access to the flats". Once again, we think such sensible use is unlikely.
Suggested Special Delivery Instructions:
"Please indicate the delivery has arrived by slapping the willow tree with the "425g Fresh Haddock" included in the order"
"Please delivery the order using a van that has been driven to the address using only 1st and 3rd gears. Use of other gears will cause the delivery to be rejected." Make sure your order consists only of a bottle of Transmission Fluid.
Other Suggestions:
Answer the door to the delivery man wearing only a leather face mask, with your body smeared all over in peanut butter. Upon opening the door, shout back into the house excitedly "Granny! The root vegetables have arrived! It won't be long now."
Register a delivery address for every house in your street except your own. Then place an order for every house, with the same delivery time, ordering just "one turnip" to each address. Then, watch the confusion. The ideal scenario is that each turnip does not come in a bag or anything, just turns up to each address with a bloke carrying a single turnip and a clipboard.
If you attempt any of the above, let us know how it turns out
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 10:15:51 GMT
Important info on Cows Section 1 : What is a cow? The cow is sometimes referred to by experts as Cowus-Very-Biggus-Bottomus-Maximus-Heinz-Bovril-Soupimus-Moo-icus, or more frequently as "A cow". The A Cow or it's similar mammal relation "The cow" , are grass eating animals living mainly in grassy knolls in the en-suite bathrooms of penthouse flats. The "the cow" and the "A cow" have recently come under scrutiny due to their recent allegations of BSE (Big Scare of Europe) infections. This can lead to premature death, Weakness of limbs, song and dance routines, blue udders, tinsel growth on horns, uncontrollable urges towards men in orange summer dresses, wearing of orange summer dresses, photographing hedgehogs in orange summer dresses, Tinsel growth on orange summer dresses and dropping dead in the middle of fields, wearing communal orange summer dresses. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Section 2 : WARNING: cows do not go baaa Cows do not go baaa. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Section 3 : The risk to humans Veterinary experts have discovered that the main area of BSE development in a cows body is the jelly like substance around the cows spinal column. This therefor indicates that those at higher risk of infection are the many members of the public who like to indulge in "Dead cow spinal column jelly on toast". Doctor's fear that this could have a very adverse effect on the dietry habit's of a majority of the population. Dr. John Walton a spokesman from the ministry of cows today said that there was no risk to humans and penguins jam roll goats whatsoever, before returning to his new inflatable wig-wam on the isle of man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Section 4 : Moooo Baaaa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Section 5 : Attaching Cows to Pogo Sticks Take your Cow, A Cow or The Cow, and politely request that it gets on to the pogo stick. You may now proceed with attaching it, eg. Piano wire. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Section 6 : The Evolution Of COW COW was first discovered by humans in the late 1960's by a long haired man wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field. He stumbled across a group of 78 playing twister down a rabbit hole. It was at this point he tripped over an aeroplane jutting from the ground. To break his fall he grabbed a cow's udder, which immediately squirted a white substance which landed in a nearby bowl of corn flakes. This was the point at which the long haired man wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field's friend, a long haired man with a long beard wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field, came along with his brother, a long haired man with a long beard and curly moustache and beads wearing a floral skirt in the middle of a field. They picked up the bowl of corn flakes, which by this time had had sugar sprinkled on it by the pixies, and just for a laugh decided to eat them. They were amazed at how nice it tasted and showed their sister, a short haired woman wearing a nose ring, leather jacket and flip-flops. They decided to go into business. After hijacking the cows they named their new business after their sister, Una Gate. The rest as they say …..dot dot.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Section 7 : How to make a COW sandwich You will need : 1 COW, 2 Slices of standard loaf bread, Some butter. Place 1 slice of bread on the floor, an then spread half your butter on to it. Spread the other half onto the other slice (the one that isn't the one you just spreaded butter on). Take your COW and place it on the slice of bread on the floor. Take your other slice of bread and place it butter side down on top of the COW. You now have the option of eating it now or continuing with one of the many options available to you, such as an electric sandwich toaster. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE AUTHORS OF THIS PUBLICATION WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT CATEGORICALLY CLEAR THAT THE COWS PORTRAYED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE PURELY FICTITIOUS, AND ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN ANY REAL COWS, PEOPLE, OR ORANGE SUMMER DRESSES IS PURELY CO-INCEDENTAL |
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Post by Cyrus on Jan 10, 2004 10:33:59 GMT
OMG staying up with Az is so much more fun than tossing and turning in bed... ;D Where do you find these? Heh, and wonder who writes them... |
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 10:51:59 GMT
Find them mostly on a biker forum I occassionally post on. Im trying to only post a few, but its hard
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Post by PokerKitten on Jan 10, 2004 14:29:11 GMT
The Tesco stuff is fantastic!! ;D I should remember to print it off for the next delivery guy. Mine are quite fun guys so I am sure they'd like it! But hey, spooky how evil yellow fruit are used as an example.... I still haven't been able to bring myself to eat one since that time they delivered 30 instead of 3  |
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Post by nightnurse on Jan 10, 2004 16:03:40 GMT
P told me this one...he's not great with jokes, but it raised a smile
Did you know that if you practised safe sex for 365 days, the leftover condoms generate enough rubber to make a tyre?
What type of tyre I hear you ask?.....A Goodyear!
LMAO at the Tesco deliveries....'Granny the root veg has arrived'...priceless!
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Post by azazel on Jan 10, 2004 18:18:27 GMT
Knew you'd like the Tesco one PK. 30 evil yellow fruit, I remeber that and still dont see the problem, but then I do love fruit. NN that was very dire, but we'll let you of with it been P's Warning alcohol is bad for youwww.ebaumsworld.com/alcoholwarnings.shtml |
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Post by nightnurse on Jan 11, 2004 17:23:24 GMT
Thought I'd share this from one of my cards:
Are you past your Prime?
1. Can you take your bra off without risking broken toes?
2 Can you still turn a mans head as you wak past - without farting?
3. Do you wear rubber knickers cos it feels kinky or cos you're scared of leakage?
4 If you wore a skirt to cover the cheeks of your bum, would it be knee length?
5 Do you use scented candles for atmosphere or to hide the smell of wee?
6. Do you own a tartan shopping trolley?
7. Does a steamy session mean a night in with the washing and ironing?
8. Do you understand the kids of today?
9.Can you remember the last time you had sex?
( The nearest month will do if you're not sure)
10. Do men offer you a drink or their seat in pubs?
11. Have you started to use your mothers expressions?
12.Does the only time you get hot between the sheets mean you 've turned the electric blanket on?
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Post by Cyrus on Jan 13, 2004 5:29:00 GMT
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Post by Cyrus on Jan 14, 2004 5:30:46 GMT
Sent by my dad: The Sound of Tomorrow
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order... "
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: " Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."That'd be creepy... |
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Post by PokerKitten on Jan 14, 2004 12:00:44 GMT
That's funny... but scary! |
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Post by azazel on Jan 14, 2004 14:26:03 GMT
That is far to true to be funny |
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Post by Cyrus on Jan 17, 2004 6:28:00 GMT
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Post by azazel on Jan 17, 2004 15:33:54 GMT
Great site Im just reading the is your online lover 12 ;D
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Post by Cyrus on Jan 18, 2004 9:17:53 GMT
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