|
Post by Ditto on Sept 12, 2004 21:45:59 GMT
You are so cool! Your friend reminds me of that lady who stood up at that con and told James and just about EVERYBODY how abused she was, good grief.
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 13, 2004 8:51:07 GMT
LOL, Ditto! I can kinda understand that actually... it's the 'Rime of the Ancient Mariner' syndrome... remember, he had to tell people about killing the albatros as a penance? For people who've been through something like that, it's a kind of cartharsis... you think that, if you tell enough people, you'll believe it enough to let go of it, and somehow it'll magically disappear. course, you work out eventually that it doesn't work like that, and sometimes it just freaks people out even more, because they don't know how to deal with it. In a way, it's a cry for help - you don't know what you want the response to be, or what help you need, sometimes you don't even realise that's what you're doing. Not putting this into words very well, I'm afraid! Remember Snow, that however good a friend you are, there's a limit to how much you cantake as a human being, and it might be worth pointing this out to your friend. A couple of my friends did that with me, saying that they wanted to be there for me and help me, but didn't know how, didn't know what to do or say, and were totally out of their depth. As it happens, they dragged me off to a counsellor... but the point is, I recognised THEIR needs as well as my own, and tried to give them a bit more space while I was facing up to things with my counsellor. Maybe if you point out to her that you have needs as well, she might back off a bit. You can but hope... Don't really know what to suggest, apart from more counselling. She obviously does have problems, which need dealing with; but she really does have to be made to realise that her actions are actually quite selfish, and are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on you. If you're her friend, then she should care about that... maybe if you point it out, she'll see what she's been doing!
|
|
|
Post by azazel on Sept 13, 2004 23:52:11 GMT
Snow your boss sounds as helpful as most bosses here Not at all. Can you go over his head and report the problem to personel?
I dont think you are over-reacting with the situation at all its a hard thing to deal at the best of times and even harder when you have your own demons to tackle. Tis is why she shouldnt be using you as a crutch to lean on she has a councillor for this and if she finds her councilor to be inadiquate then she must find another one. In this country there are support groups for people who have gone through childhoods like hers do you have anything similar there? Maybe that would help her too.
Pix I totally understood your referance to the Ancient Mariner and no it doesnt work. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, but that is actually false. A problem shared is a problem multiplied
|
|
|
Post by SpikesToy on Sept 14, 2004 10:58:31 GMT
While I'm in here, can I just say I'd like to throttle Spikes Toy's brothers ex. I'm just sayin'. Is he into older desperate desirous wimmin? Maybe I could get him fixed up with our Daf! She'd take his mind off his troubles, the poor poppet. The children are obviously suffering as well. What is this woman thinking of? Daf will have to get in line behind Az and PK I think ;D And that's the problem Ditto, she doesn't bloody think Snow honey, I don't know how I missed your post but firstly I'd like to say how lovely to see you back on the board It is hard when a "friend" takes advantage of your giving nature. You definitely must not feel guilty about how you feel about this situation. Friends should give and take, not just take, that's what friendship is all about. I'm not very helpful with my advice I know, but I just wanted you to know that you have done nothing wrong, on the contrary, you have done all that a friend can do and still she is taking advantage. I hope it all works out.
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 17, 2004 22:19:19 GMT
I feel like such a bitch, but I can't help being upset about this... my sister's recently changed jobs, and the place where my parents and I live is nearer than where her house is. So it was decided she should live at home during the week. So far so good. My parents live in a 4-bed house. 1 spare room, currently filled with junk and inaccessible. My room. Then comes the problem - my mum sleeps in the main bedroom, and my dad in my sister's room, because they can't sleep if they're together (snoring etc). I've only recently started living at the place I'm currently in as my permanent address (before it was just term-time), so I still feel the need of having somewhere to touch base - much as I love the house (which I rent, I don't even own it, so it's not even mine exactly), I'm still finding my feet, running a household, and like to go home sometimes to see my parents and my cat, and my mum's always said that there would always be a room for me (and my sister, of course) if we needed or wanted it, and that that would always be our home.
You might be able to see where this is going.
As my dad can't get a good night's sleep with my mum, he sleeps in the third bedroom, my sister's room, which means my sister has to sleep in my room. Despite having a wardrobe of her own in her room, she wants hanging space in mine because it's more convenient, drawer space likewise. I went into my room this evening (my parents are away this weekend, so I'm looking after the cat), and it didn't feel like my room any more. I went into the bathroom and howled, and realised that it just doesn't feel as though I belong any more. I don't have a place there any more - at least, that's how it feels. My sister owns her 3-bed house, and basically has 2 rooms at my parents' house... but I simply rent a house, and have nothing else. That's how it feels - as though I'm simply not important and can be sidelined just because I live nearby and don't have such a swanky job.
And I feel such a bitch for feeling like this, when I know I'm probably over-reacting, but it just feels as though I don't have a real home any more - as though my parents don't really care. And I don't know what to do or say about it, because they're bound to think I'm just being selfish, and should be glad that my sister's got such a good job and can be home more often.
She even suggested making my room into a twin room we could share, and it just feels like she's completely invaded my personal space and taken it over.
And I just don't know what to do!
|
|
|
Post by SpikesToy on Sept 18, 2004 3:21:01 GMT
I'm looking at this from the other side because I took over my brothers room when he moved out I used his room as a "sitting room", somewhere to watch my telly, read and entertain friends. Of course, if he had ever come back (which he didn't), I would have given him his room back! ;D I think the only thing you can do is talk to your sister and say that as you now both have to share you have to each have your own space. My gut feeling is that she probably will miss her own home and go back. After all, it's not easy to share a room when you are used to having a whole house and it's not easy to live back with your parents once you have been away ;D I don't mean to sound flippant Pix honey, that's not my intention at all. I just don't know what else to advise.
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 18, 2004 7:32:04 GMT
Yeah, I know... I'm just a bit that she owns a 3-bed house and gets to have basically 2 rooms at home, whereas I only rent my house and now don't have a room to call my own at my parents' either. Ultimately, she gets 5 bedrooms she seems to think she pretty much owns, I have 2 that are only rented (and one of those is a study, as it happens). She's even started to talk about her bed (the one in my room), when it was actually a present to me from my mum, and belongs to ME - it doesn't go with the house as part of my parents' furniture, even, it's actually mine, so it annoys me that she refers to it as her bed. Mind, I corrected her on that one. I just wonder how long it'll be before she decides she doesn't like the decor and starts changing it. Even my mum referred to my room as my sister's room the other day. It feels like I've been totally pushed out. I know they don't mean it that way, and would be really upset if they knew I felt like that (but of course, nobody else is here this weekend. They're quite happy to use me for free cat-sitting, but I can't have anywhere to sleep if my sister's at home, oh no). And then she and her ex go and eat my lasagne that I'd made to last the entire weekend! Just adding insult to injury.
|
|
|
Post by PokerKitten on Sept 18, 2004 9:39:11 GMT
If that bed belongs to you, why don't you have it at the place you live? Beds are quite personal things and if it is comfy and you want it, it should be with you.
Isn't the house you live in rented from your mum? And aren't there lots of plans to do it up and what not?
I rented all my adult life until I bought my first house just five years ago after being kicked out by a landlord for no really good reason apart from his own oddness. (Probably a good thing or I would never have gotten round to buying!).
When I left home at 18, my parents realised there was actually a life outside of their hometown, and a few months later, they moved too. They sold their property and never bought another one, as ever since they have worked for people like the National Trust, and assorted toffs (which is hugely embarrassing! How could they?!) who provided accommodation. And they have moved a few times in that period. Although until this last move of theirs there was always a spare bedroom so I could go and stay, they were never "my" rooms, and where they lived was never "home".
Any sense of home and belonging was over when I was 18. But I was an adult, so I had to get over it and make my own home, even when it was rented.
This probably sounds quite unsympathetic, but you have easy access to your family without having to stay with them. I hardly ever see mine, they are too far away. You do have a nice place to live. And your sis won't be living at your parents' forever.
I'd be far more furious about the casual theft of three night's dinners, to be honest, because you had planned and prepared them, and you want to be able to have a nice meal when you get home from work. That seemed selfish.
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 18, 2004 15:02:59 GMT
LOL - you're right... I think it was actually the theft of my lasagne that really got me. I wanted this weekend to be easy, as I'm about to start a 12-day shift, so my beloved lasagne was a way of making sure I didn't have to worry about cooking or preparing food - stick it on a plate in the microwave... . The rest (on mature reflection) seems a lot less important, weirdly, but I'm still vexed that she nicked my lasagne, cos now I have to rummage for food in parents' freezer and make something, and all I really want to do is slump and sleep in preparation for the onslaught of the next 12 days. I think I'm also prolly too stressed about work at the moment to be thinking straight, which doesn't help. Hey-ho. At least I vented my wrath on here, not at the rellys! but she ate my lasagne and left lilies (which she knows I'm allergic to) in the dining room. Now, what the hell am I gonna have for dinner? Where's the takeaway menu again...?
|
|
|
Post by Ditto on Sept 18, 2004 20:15:01 GMT
This has been really interesting! S'all about personal space I think.
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 18, 2004 20:51:19 GMT
LOL, Ditto, you're right. Bed has to stay with parents, really... mum wants me to "have my own bed to come home to"... mooted moving it to house, she wasn't happy, so I upped and bought another one (double, just in case ). Funny, really, how it's my bed, but she wants it in her house. Nah, I think the thing that really bothered me about the room (quite apart from the lasagne!) is the way my sis was kinda taking over and assuming I'd be happy with whatever she wanted. She's always been a bit like that with me - I'm the brat sister, y'know? She tried to dictate to me where I should go to uni (as far away from home as possible, to the uni she wanted to go to but didn't cos she got a place at Oxford), what I should do in my year abroad... I don't think she realises it, but she does have a bit of a tendency to ride roughshod over me without taking my feelings into consideration. We adore each other, actually, but we're very different, and I guess this whole thing's blown up because we're being forced to spend loads more time together than normal, and because there are unresolved issues there from when we were children (like, the fact I'm still the kid sister, and in her eyes still a child she can boss around if she feels the need, despite me being 25). But I always end up just brushing it off, cos she's my sis, and I love her (and I'd rip apart any bus driver that dared to knock her over, mark my words ). In some ways, her idea of a twin room would be cool - except that, knowing her, she'd want everything her own way (she has a knack of getting her own way - like Lydia and Kitty Bennet from Pride and Prejudice... Lydia gets her own way, while Kitty complains, "mama, you let her have everything that is mine..." ). She likes her own way, and if we had a twin room, she'd want the decor and layout to suit her, without really asking me, I suspect. And I know the 1st thing she'd do is to take down my James poster cos she thinks my worship obsession fandom (if that's a word) is stupid and childish. I guess if she tries to do that, though, I'll simply have to make a stand. Can't let her pull poor James off the wall without a fight. She can take down the other things, but not James! Weird thing is, she thinks I'm childish about being a fan of James, and was going all kiddy about how fun it would be to share a room, and have midnight feasts. Go figure I think she and I have some serious issues we need to sort out. Anyway, I enjoyed my jacket spud and tuna mayo (tin of tuna shared with the cat - but at least she asked first!), and it's healthier anyway, so maybe all's well that ends well, and it's just a storm in a tea-cup I feel quite benevolent towards her today, anyway. Just so long as she doesn't try to push me around, it'll all be fine. Told my mum about the lasagne when she phoned, and she was a bit . She didn't really think it was on, either, but calmed down when I said I had plenty of food, had gone up to my house to fetch spuds and tuna when I fed hamsters. I'm feeling pretty chilled about the whole thing, now, anyway. She's coming over tomorow for a girls' night in - pizza, garlic bread, ice cream and a chick flick - so maybe we'll get some bonding time, and can talk things through a bit. Quietly and sensibly, like the adults we are. Ugh, been typing this so long, the auto-disconnect message came up! Time to shut up!
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 20, 2004 19:47:48 GMT
Seems sis ain't too happy about the room either given she spent most of last night sobbing in my arms Tactfully suggested to mother that my sis seemed to want somewhere she really thought of as her own, not my room (she more or less said so herself. At least, I think that's what she was saying, hard to tell as she was sobbing and incoherent most of the time ). Suggested dad slept in my room, gave her her own room back for keeps. Mum agreed it was a sensible solution and would suggest it. But poor sis was in such a state over the whole thing, far worse than me! As mum pointed out, of the two of us, I'm by far the tougher cookie, despite being younger! Weird. Ah well. It'll sort itself out.
|
|
|
Post by Ditto on Sept 20, 2004 20:13:05 GMT
I'm glad it's all sorted out, all's well that ends well. I was definitely a Kitty, but I really want to be Lizzie!
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 21, 2004 7:48:53 GMT
Ah... I'm a Lizzy as well! Mm... James as Mr. Darcy... that should prolly go in the fantasy roles post. Sis was just a bit stressed out about life in general, and I think is feeling better. Had a quiet word with my mum about the floods of tears, she said she'd keep an eye on her, make sure she's okay. All a bit of a storm in a tea-cup, really! Mm, I love my double bed. So comfy, so much room! And ALL MINE cos I bought it myself. Though, of course, I wouldn't mind sharing it it selected people . My ex was particularly eager to see it when he came round a couple of months ago, which was kinda - I mean, he dumped me, why the hell should he be interested in my double bed? Like it affects him at all Men are so strange.
|
|
|
Post by Ditto on Sept 21, 2004 20:46:48 GMT
Keep him at arms length, I don't trust these fellas. He wants his cake and his ha'penny that one!
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 21, 2004 20:56:03 GMT
Nah, bless him, he's a virgin. Just wanted to curl up next to me and snuggle . Got scared of anything too physical. And the soppy, sad thing is, I'd've been happy to do that for the rest of my life, cos... you don't find a guy like that round every corner. And he was lovely to cuddle up to - not too bony, not to pudgy, just nicely padded in the right places... *sigh* Wish I had him here to cuddle up to... Guess that ain't gonna happen, and he'll always be the one who got away.
|
|
|
Post by Ditto on Sept 23, 2004 17:08:37 GMT
But Pixie how could he resist your charms....oh, he's gay?
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 23, 2004 18:02:49 GMT
Er... don't think so. Just young, immature, and doesn't know when he's on to a good thing! He got really freaked out when I told him I thought his (male) housemate had a crush on him... we're pretty sure he sent a Valentine's card, writing was so similar! Poor lamb, he was so scared at the idea, nearly ran a mile! Nah, he's a nicely brought up catholic boy, I think he's just had it instilled into him that 'you don't do that kind of thing unless you're willing to be totally committed to the person', and he wasn't ready for that, so didn't think it was fair. Admitted that he lusted over me, but didn't think it was fair to me to do anything about it when he couldn't commit to long-term. Frustrating, I know, but I like that he was considerate enough to break it off before we got that serious (well, I was that serious, but it would have made it all the more heart-breaking), and I respect him for it. I'd probably hate him, now, if he'd slept with me, THEN decided he couldn't hack the long-term thing. Might have ben easier to hate him, in a way, but I'm glad we're still friends, cos, even though it's a bit weird at times, he's always been there for me, always been supportive, and listened to what I have to say, when I need it. I sometimes think we're actually much closer now than we were when we were going out. I can't imagine life without him as my friend, just too horrible for words! And he seems to want to stay in touch, too... I got him to write in my 'friends' book at the end of tour this summer, and he wrote something about it seeming to be a 'goodbye' book, and hoping that this wasn't goodbye, 'just a note in the timeline'. And he emails and texts me quite frequently, so it's kinda nice. I'd say he's pretty much my best friend. Of course, it complicates things slightly that I still have the hots for him, but I try to hide it as much as possible! Don't want to scare him away!
|
|
|
Post by DeeDee on Sept 23, 2004 21:07:34 GMT
Omg Px cam we all have a man like that he has to look like james though and be sooo sweet dont let him get away let him be your friend and as he grows up maybe one day you never know
|
|
|
Post by Pixie on Sept 23, 2004 21:16:22 GMT
That's what I'm kinda hoping... that one day, he'll grow up and realise we had a good thing going, and... Scary to think I would happily spend the rest of my life with him. Well, it scares me, and would definitely scare off any guy, lol! Well. Better friends than nothing at all, eh? And he's a really good friend, so I really can't complain too much on that score. Lol... he lives in London, maybe I should ask him along when we're in town for Halloween, when we go out on the Friday night... lmao... that could be hilarious! ;D He's prolly be scared as hell of all of you!
|
|