Post by deborahw37 on May 9, 2004 9:15:05 GMT
I found this article that I wrote a few years back .. and with some minor tweaking adapted it to offer help and support to the GOTR fans out there
by : Deborah Williams © 2001 adapted for GOTR 2004
the post gig symptoms of fans who have it "BAD"...
STAGE ONE
" You make me want to be Bad"
“
SYMPTOMS:
Victim displays excessive energy and seems to be unable to sit
down, stand still, sleep, eat, string two words together, focus
on anything!.. Will obsessively check the webboards, run up huge
phone bills and play loud music and videos (often
simultaneously)whilst singing hoarsely (a sore throat being a
common after effect of gig overdose).
APPEARENCE:
Wild eyed , unkempt, blurred, twitchy
TREATMENT:
Move all hard objects out of way, fit stairgates lock external
doors, confiscate car keys... The victim is a danger to herself
and others and society MUST be protected.
STAGE TWO
“ Got an Old Smith’s record, and I put it on endlessly”
SYMPTOMS:
Stage one's frantic activity has been replaced by an almost
eerie stillness. The victim now slumps by the stereo playing a
variety of " soft" tracks and pausing videos at "sensitive"
moments . Will log onto webboards but pay little attention to
contents. After all no one else REALLY understands!(sigh!!). May
be surrounded by photos, articles and, in severe cases, ticket
stubs or the T shirt "he" smiled at or dripped sweat on.
APPEARANCE:
Like a cross between a lovesick teenager and a puddle!, droopy
unresponsive, glassy eyed... may be sobbing , sniffing or
sighing uncontrollably
TREATMENT:
Chuck a blanket over them, lock the door and, for your own
safety, fit earplugs. The 915th rendition of “ Goodnight Sweet Girl”
can drive the support team to stereo abuse!
STAGE THREE
“ let me get my Rock On”
SYMPTOMS:
The victim begins to recover. She will be shocked by her
appearance and that of her home. A hot bath and a housework
spree are indicated, despite the fact that it's 4AM! In
short she is delusional and firmly believes that she is on the
road to recovery when actually she is patently deranged!. Will
check the webboards and decide that stage one and two fans are
"Sad". Mutters of "get a life" may be heard
APPEARENCE:
Efficient, calm cool, collected, neatly washed and ironed,
every household surface gleaming. But check out that wild eyed
stare!
TREATMENT:
Stand well back if you don't want to be hoovered tidied or
repainted. The victim is heavily into displacement activity and
nothing is safe. Hide all precious things! sooner or later
the victim will fall into an exhausted sleep. Brace yourself!
Stage four is coming!
STAGE FOUR
"Come on Quickly, catch me"
SYMPTOMS:
Life isn't nearly EXCITING enough! Victim may phone careers
advisors asking how to become a roadie or a Himalayan hiking
guide! The concepts of family and responsibility have no place
in her fevered brain. She will collect holiday brochures for
exotic destinations and genuinely BELIEVE that her wish to visit
Los Angeles, Seattle, San Francisco ,and Chicago is motivated by cultural
and spiritual concerns. She may attempt to recruit webboard
members for odd adventures, her postings will be
incomprehensible to anyone above or below stage four.
APPEARENCE:
Vaguely rebellious, anything from black jeans and leather jacket
to a deeply tragic hippy love child outfit that should have been
humanely destroyed in 1975!
TREATMENT:
Just say "yes dear" to everything... she'll get over it!
Example: "I think I'll join an Ashram in Goa and knit batik
underpants for pilgrims".
Suggested support team response
"Yes dear... would you like a nice
cup of tea?"
STAGE FIVE
" Hope I meet you on a good day, when I'm feeling more myself"
SYMPTOMS:
Victim gets her first nights sleep and begins to find that her
brain CAN absorb non Californian, non musical data after all!.
She will return to her office and berate the staff team for their
idleness and inefficiency. Staff team will groan and mutter
before shooing out the assortment of male strippers, sheep,
pizza delivery boys etc who have been collected whilst the boss
has been "out of it"
APPEARENCE:
Power suit and high heels
TREATMENT:
Act casually!, don't mention stages one to four. The victim will
deny ALL knowledge of such behaviour. You cannot win this
argument! So don't even try!
ADDITIONAL NOTES
VARIATIONS IN THE MALE SUFFERER.
In male victims stage two may be marked by posing with a lollipop, sucking their cheeks in and trying to look like James.
(upon no account should the support
team fall about laughing.. this would be cruel)
REALLY sad cases may be found sitting behind an assortment of buckets and pans " being Sean".
This is potentially lethal and the advice of a vet should be sought urgently.
Should a male victim display the "lovesick teenager/puddle"
variant of stage two phone the help line and we'll give you the
address of a nice bar in Edinburgh.
Stage three and four displacement activity in the male will
often be marked by an obsessive desire to complete their
Collection .Drumsticks, guitar picks, bootlegs whatever. If it’s out there they have to have it.
Treatment is the same as for a stage four female.
Example" ooh look! the Latvian bootleg version of “ Valerie” in the green sleeve where Charlie’s nostril hair is showing , EVERYBODY knows they airbrushed that out for Scandinavia , and it’s only £20 .. bargain!!
Suggested support team response
" Yes dear.. would you like a nice cup of tea?"
WARNING, DANGER OF RELAPSE
Victims may SEEM to make a full recovery but a Rockaholic is only
ever one gig away from total relapse... even a chance sighting
of a poster or a revview or a radio play may set recovery back by several stages
IMPORTANT!!
On no account should a stage two victim be allowed access to
a pen or pencil... the resulting poetry will be monumentally
regrettable!
Rockaholics anonymous would LIKE to urge you to call our helpline
but, sadly, since the office outing to Coventry the Manager is
busy booking a goat treking holiday in Jamaica. The tea boy is
making a drum kit out of coffee tins. The typist is crying
under her blanket and trying to find a rhyme for "oooh eer" (what
idiot gave her the pencil?)
and the telephonist is grasping a tennis racket and practicing
his running high fives and end of song jumping technique.
So,
as you can see we're all a tad busy right now.... call us back
when we get to stage five.
FROM: Deb (Stage four.. making progress. "No I DON'T want a nice cup of tea!) & Christy (firmly stuck at stage two.."Sob")
this page's written content © deborah williams 2001 adapted 2004 (post Coventry gig
)
by : Deborah Williams © 2001 adapted for GOTR 2004
the post gig symptoms of fans who have it "BAD"...
STAGE ONE
" You make me want to be Bad"
“
SYMPTOMS:
Victim displays excessive energy and seems to be unable to sit
down, stand still, sleep, eat, string two words together, focus
on anything!.. Will obsessively check the webboards, run up huge
phone bills and play loud music and videos (often
simultaneously)whilst singing hoarsely (a sore throat being a
common after effect of gig overdose).
APPEARENCE:
Wild eyed , unkempt, blurred, twitchy
TREATMENT:
Move all hard objects out of way, fit stairgates lock external
doors, confiscate car keys... The victim is a danger to herself
and others and society MUST be protected.
STAGE TWO
“ Got an Old Smith’s record, and I put it on endlessly”
SYMPTOMS:
Stage one's frantic activity has been replaced by an almost
eerie stillness. The victim now slumps by the stereo playing a
variety of " soft" tracks and pausing videos at "sensitive"
moments . Will log onto webboards but pay little attention to
contents. After all no one else REALLY understands!(sigh!!). May
be surrounded by photos, articles and, in severe cases, ticket
stubs or the T shirt "he" smiled at or dripped sweat on.
APPEARANCE:
Like a cross between a lovesick teenager and a puddle!, droopy
unresponsive, glassy eyed... may be sobbing , sniffing or
sighing uncontrollably
TREATMENT:
Chuck a blanket over them, lock the door and, for your own
safety, fit earplugs. The 915th rendition of “ Goodnight Sweet Girl”
can drive the support team to stereo abuse!
STAGE THREE
“ let me get my Rock On”
SYMPTOMS:
The victim begins to recover. She will be shocked by her
appearance and that of her home. A hot bath and a housework
spree are indicated, despite the fact that it's 4AM! In
short she is delusional and firmly believes that she is on the
road to recovery when actually she is patently deranged!. Will
check the webboards and decide that stage one and two fans are
"Sad". Mutters of "get a life" may be heard
APPEARENCE:
Efficient, calm cool, collected, neatly washed and ironed,
every household surface gleaming. But check out that wild eyed
stare!
TREATMENT:
Stand well back if you don't want to be hoovered tidied or
repainted. The victim is heavily into displacement activity and
nothing is safe. Hide all precious things! sooner or later
the victim will fall into an exhausted sleep. Brace yourself!
Stage four is coming!
STAGE FOUR
"Come on Quickly, catch me"
SYMPTOMS:
Life isn't nearly EXCITING enough! Victim may phone careers
advisors asking how to become a roadie or a Himalayan hiking
guide! The concepts of family and responsibility have no place
in her fevered brain. She will collect holiday brochures for
exotic destinations and genuinely BELIEVE that her wish to visit
Los Angeles, Seattle, San Francisco ,and Chicago is motivated by cultural
and spiritual concerns. She may attempt to recruit webboard
members for odd adventures, her postings will be
incomprehensible to anyone above or below stage four.
APPEARENCE:
Vaguely rebellious, anything from black jeans and leather jacket
to a deeply tragic hippy love child outfit that should have been
humanely destroyed in 1975!
TREATMENT:
Just say "yes dear" to everything... she'll get over it!
Example: "I think I'll join an Ashram in Goa and knit batik
underpants for pilgrims".
Suggested support team response
"Yes dear... would you like a nice
cup of tea?"
STAGE FIVE
" Hope I meet you on a good day, when I'm feeling more myself"
SYMPTOMS:
Victim gets her first nights sleep and begins to find that her
brain CAN absorb non Californian, non musical data after all!.
She will return to her office and berate the staff team for their
idleness and inefficiency. Staff team will groan and mutter
before shooing out the assortment of male strippers, sheep,
pizza delivery boys etc who have been collected whilst the boss
has been "out of it"
APPEARENCE:
Power suit and high heels
TREATMENT:
Act casually!, don't mention stages one to four. The victim will
deny ALL knowledge of such behaviour. You cannot win this
argument! So don't even try!
ADDITIONAL NOTES
VARIATIONS IN THE MALE SUFFERER.
In male victims stage two may be marked by posing with a lollipop, sucking their cheeks in and trying to look like James.
(upon no account should the support
team fall about laughing.. this would be cruel)
REALLY sad cases may be found sitting behind an assortment of buckets and pans " being Sean".
This is potentially lethal and the advice of a vet should be sought urgently.
Should a male victim display the "lovesick teenager/puddle"
variant of stage two phone the help line and we'll give you the
address of a nice bar in Edinburgh.
Stage three and four displacement activity in the male will
often be marked by an obsessive desire to complete their
Collection .Drumsticks, guitar picks, bootlegs whatever. If it’s out there they have to have it.
Treatment is the same as for a stage four female.
Example" ooh look! the Latvian bootleg version of “ Valerie” in the green sleeve where Charlie’s nostril hair is showing , EVERYBODY knows they airbrushed that out for Scandinavia , and it’s only £20 .. bargain!!
Suggested support team response
" Yes dear.. would you like a nice cup of tea?"
WARNING, DANGER OF RELAPSE
Victims may SEEM to make a full recovery but a Rockaholic is only
ever one gig away from total relapse... even a chance sighting
of a poster or a revview or a radio play may set recovery back by several stages
IMPORTANT!!
On no account should a stage two victim be allowed access to
a pen or pencil... the resulting poetry will be monumentally
regrettable!
Rockaholics anonymous would LIKE to urge you to call our helpline
but, sadly, since the office outing to Coventry the Manager is
busy booking a goat treking holiday in Jamaica. The tea boy is
making a drum kit out of coffee tins. The typist is crying
under her blanket and trying to find a rhyme for "oooh eer" (what
idiot gave her the pencil?)
and the telephonist is grasping a tennis racket and practicing
his running high fives and end of song jumping technique.
So,
as you can see we're all a tad busy right now.... call us back
when we get to stage five.
FROM: Deb (Stage four.. making progress. "No I DON'T want a nice cup of tea!) & Christy (firmly stuck at stage two.."Sob")
this page's written content © deborah williams 2001 adapted 2004 (post Coventry gig
)
