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Post by Ditto on Apr 12, 2004 14:35:44 GMT
The camel joke!
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Post by Cyrus on Apr 12, 2004 19:46:44 GMT
lol yeah Ditto... And at least for me, the song got stuck in my head...
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Post by azazel on Apr 12, 2004 21:05:11 GMT
The Buffy one would of been better with her voice. Oha nd sillyme for clicking C
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Post by Cyrus on Apr 27, 2004 1:17:21 GMT
I got this in my latest WinXP newsletter:
The latest controversial Ford ad that made it out in the wild, allegedly against Ford's wishes. Not for Animal lovers, and all CGI. ttp://www.winxpnews.com/rd/rd.cfm?id=040427FA-Ford
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Post by azazel on May 9, 2004 13:29:39 GMT
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Post by azazel on May 9, 2004 13:31:33 GMT
The Creation of the Pussy seven wise men with the knowledge so fine created a pussy of their own design the first was a butcher smart with wit using a knife he gave it slit the second was a carpenter strong and bold using a chisel he gave it a hole the third was a tailor tall and thin using red velvet he lined it within the fourth was a hunter short and stout with a piece of fur he lined it without the fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell he threw in a fish and gave it a smell the sixth was preacher who's name was magee he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee last was a biker a dirty old runt he sucked it and fukced it and called it a
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Post by Ditto on May 16, 2004 22:54:48 GMT
From Ebs!
Chris Rock's Quote of the Day:
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', Dick', and 'Colon'
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Post by Cyrus on May 16, 2004 23:51:23 GMT
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', Dick', and 'Colon' Ew Ditto! Though I do get a laugh every time the vice pres' name is said on the telly! ;D -Oh look, it's Vice President Dick Cheney! Hello there Dick! Can I call you Dick? --Well umm... I prefer... -Okay then Dick! And how have you been lately, Dick? LMAO!
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Post by SpikesToy on May 24, 2004 5:15:50 GMT
Remember Bud Abbot & Lou Costello with their "Who's on First" routine? Try to imagine them today doing the same thing, but about computers, not baseball.
Hello, this is Bud at the Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?
Yes, this is Lou and I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Mac?
No, the name is Lou.
Your computer?
I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Mac?
I told you, my name is Lou.
What about Windows?
Why? Does it get stuffy?
Do you want a computer with Windows?
I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Wallpaper.
Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Software that runs on Windows?
No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Office.
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
I just did.
You just did what?
Recommended something.
You recommended something?
Yes.
For my office?
Yes.
Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Office.
Yes, for my office.
Office for Windows.
I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Word.
If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Word.
What word?
The Word in Office.
The only word in office is office.
The Word in Office for Windows.
Which word in "office for windows?"
The Word you get when you click the blue W.
I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
RealOne.
Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
RealOne.
If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two three and four. Can I watch reel four?
Of course.
Great! With what?
RealOne.
Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.What do I do?
You click the blue 1.
I click the blue one what?
The blue 1.
Is that different from the blue W?
Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
What word?
The Word in Office for Windows.
But there's three words in "office for windows!"
No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
It is?
Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
And that word is the real one?
No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Money.
That's right. What do you have?
Money.
I need money to track my money?
No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
What comes bundled with my computer?
Money.
Money comes bundled with my computer?
Exactly. No extra charge.
I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Just one copy.
I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Microsoft can license you to make money?
Why not? They own it.
Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Managing Your Money? That program disappered years ago.
Well, what do you sell in its place?
Money.
You sell money?
Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Simply Accounting.
Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Mind Your Own Business.
I beg your pardon?
No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
More money?
More than Money. Money can't do everything.
I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
GoBack.
Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
GoBack.
How many times do I have to repeat myself?
I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.
What do I need to write a proposal?
Word.
But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
No, you only need one Word, the Word in Office for Windows.
But there are three words in...Oh, never mind. (CLICK)
Hello? Hello? Lou? Why do they always hang up???
;D
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Post by Cyrus on May 24, 2004 6:29:55 GMT
Oh goodness... I've heard parts of that before... sounds like some people I know... *cough*grandma*cough*mother*cough*
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 2, 2004 1:34:02 GMT
Woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers. Wife: Who is this? Maid: This is the maid. Wife: We don't have a maid. Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house. Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there? Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife. The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" Maid: Of course! What will I have to do? Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with. The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps. Maid: What do I do with the bodies? Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool. Maid: There's no pool here. A long pause.................................... Wife: Is this 832-4821?
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 10, 2004 2:29:26 GMT
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Post by azazel on Jun 12, 2004 8:06:59 GMT
Urgh very nice Cy
Gawd Ditto you made me choke laughing when I read that. I really didnt think that joke was that rude. My rude jokes are put in the sanctum. Toy that updated Bud Abbot & Lou Costello joke was hysterical and I understood it better than the origional skit which goes to show how corrupted this techno phobe is
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Post by azazel on Jun 12, 2004 22:54:48 GMT
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Post by azazel on Jun 12, 2004 23:04:06 GMT
Warning the following joke isnt rude its just a tad sick Dont say I didnt warn you
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Post by azazel on Jun 12, 2004 23:21:45 GMT
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Post by Cyrus on Jun 15, 2004 6:28:18 GMT
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.
The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
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Post by azazel on Jun 17, 2004 13:18:40 GMT
LMAO Cy ___________ hairy bitch My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the Vet. He found that the problem was hair in the dogs ears, so he cleaned it out and the dog could hear fine. The Vet then told the lady that if she wanted to prevent this from recurring, she should go to the Chemist and buy some hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to Boots and picks up the lotion. At the till, the pharmacist says," If you're going to use this under your arms, you shouldn't use deodorant for a couple of days." The lady replies, "I'm not going to use it on my arms." "Well" said the chemist, "If you are going to use it on your legs, don't shave for a few days." "I'm not using it on my legs", said the woman,"If you must know, I'm going to use it on my schnauzer."
The chemist replies,"Stay off your bicycle for a week." ;D ;D ;D
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Post by azazel on Jun 17, 2004 14:10:51 GMT
I hear that David beckham is going to be doing some commentating on Euro04. Apparently he comes over the P.A. well............
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Post by nightnurse on Jun 19, 2004 2:20:58 GMT
;D LMAO at all of those !
A bloke goes into an Opticians to get his eyes checked, the Optician looks into his eyes and says ' You really should stop masturbating' The bloke says 'Why...is it making me go blind?' 'No' said the Optician...'But it's upset the rest of the folks in the waiting room' !
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